*hitler leans in close to the mic* and the next person to question me gets executioned
*grammar nazi bites lip*
*everybody gasps as I drop the baby*
Oh no was it expensive?
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Coworker: Are you seeing anyone?
CW: Then why are you dating her?
Me: No, I meant you’re standing in front of me.
Women who want to renew your wedding vows….
Why not renew the bachelorette party? You’d probably have more fun.
I want to thank The Squad for their endorsement of my presidential run today. These four are true leaders and together we are going to transform our country so that it works for all of us. So again, thank you Raphael, Michaelangelo, Donatello, and Leonardo. Cowabunga, dudes.
*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
If you want a pretty nurse, you’ve got to be patient.
Siri: Retweet me.
Everyone in horror movies:
It was probably just the wind
*a ghost flies across room*
Just the wind
*dog gets cut in half*
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.