I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
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[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Her: “My baby paints with her food because she’s artistic.”
Me: “That or your baby paints with her food because she’s a goddamn baby.”
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
I had a friend named Nigel but after you’ve introduced him a few times the novelty wears off.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps