Everybody hates Crocs but the company is worth over $2 billion.

Somebody is lying.

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[press session regarding increase in shark bites]

Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water


Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???


wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no


No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.




ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.


Old people may not know how to use a cell phone, but they sure can drive like they’re on one.