[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
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– i got you these to show you how i feel about you.
– but i’m allergic to flowers.
– i know…
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
Imagine the headless horsemen only its me running into everything waving my arms while trying to get my head through my sweater before bed.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
I’ll climb down out of this tree when people stop referring to common sense as a life hack
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
Aight bet
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore