@Thee1_4U

Everybody is complaining about their significant other, and I’m over here trying to keep mine charged above 10%.

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@iwearaonesie

“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”

– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate

@fishbowel

Me: I just got hit

911: are you ok

Me: with a car

911: oh my gosh

Me: a toy car

911: oh why did u call us then

Me: its now sticking out of my skull

@anthonyonmovies

Rian Johnson: good and bad are 2 sides of the same coin. the resistance and first order both obtain their weapons from the same people, and the only thing that separates the jedi from the sith is an outdated flawed code.

JJ Abrams: bad people have shark teeth lol

@HallpassCanada

Happy Thursday guys and remember. If you can’t spot the douche at work today, then it’s probably you.

@stevevsninjas

Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.

@AmnesiaRose

I wish I had the confidence to
just randomly sit on people and start bathing myself like my cat does.

@ilovepie84

WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”

@caperbc75

“Hey Frosty, calm down on the snacks. You’re getting fat. Check out this six pack! You could do laundry on it!”

– the Abdominal Snowman