Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
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Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
Parenting is basically just punctuating every conversation with various commands:
“Yes, I like your picture. Put on your shoes.”
“My favorite color is yellow. Finish your breakfast.”
“No, fish don’t snore. Go brush your teeth.”
One man’s girlfriend is another man’s Twitter password.
(Puckers up & makes best kissy face)
Officer taking mugshot: Stop that.
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Just Once i’d like to see a Shark wearing a People Tooth Necklace
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Cool shirt 🙂
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
To the person who honked to get me out of my parking space faster, thank you for inspiring me to delete 3000 emails right here, right now.
Cop 1: You think Simon will escape?
Cop 2: Nah, he’s locked up in there good.
Simon: Simon Says free me.
Cop 1: Dang it, he got us.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
this is the news I live for
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
You know you’re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
[blind date]
Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”
ME *trying to impress him*
“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you