Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.
Bully: [crying, arms shaking in exhaustion, knocks kid down a 32nd time]
10 y/o Chumbawamba: [gets up again]
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
[Doctors appt]
Me: *getting weighed in the hall* this is so embarrassing. You really should put the scale in the patient’s room.
Doctor: well most people don’t get naked.
time for some seasonal decor
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
I need a bed that pops me out like a toaster.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
If you are experiencing joint pain, you are probably holding the lit end.
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
The secret to a happy marriage is having the same definition of clean.
I wouldn’t say I’m fragile, but I am always about three drinks away from grabbing the scissors and chopping off all my hair.
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Why do I “need” an assault rifle? Why did Rosa Parks “need” to sit in the front of the bus? Because Merica, that’s why.
Sometimes parenthood is having to say “please don’t throw your beef stick at me” with a straight face.
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
The worst thing about dating is bringing a nice guy home after dinner, only to find your husband home early from work.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.