@JayMindX

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

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@a_simpl_man

It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me

@Cheeseboy22

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

@DrakeGatsby

Website: Make a password

Me: Ok

Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED

Me: Wow alright

Website: Damn that’s a strong password

[1 Week Later]

Website: You got hacked

Me: But my password was so strong

Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad

@WheelTod

[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]

Green leader: Area secured. Over

Me: Apple Turn. Over

GL: Wha

Me: Extreme make. Over

GL: Take that guy out too

@LostCatDog

The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.

@realHamOnWry

Cat: What are you doing?

Me: Reloading my bong

Cat: You really need it?

Me: I know my limits, why?

Cat: You know cats can’t talk, right?

@rickygervais

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

@gwatts77

If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to

@DothTheDoth

Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.

@Playing_Dad

Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.