It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Website: Make a password
Website: Make it STRONGER so you don’t get HACKED
Me: Wow alright
Website: Damn that’s a strong password
[1 Week Later]
Website: You got hacked
Me: But my password was so strong
Website: Yeah the whole site got hacked. Our bad
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
The 9-year-old in me thinks life is all about fun. But then I think, how long is it gonna take to digest this kid? I’m a huge python, btw.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Reloading my bong
Cat: You really need it?
Me: I know my limits, why?
Cat: You know cats can’t talk, right?
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
If women would start naming their periods like hurricanes it would be alot easier for us men to remember which argument you are referring to
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.