When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
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Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”
I’ll be there Kyle I have so many questions.
haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in
[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*