@JayMindX

Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.

Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.

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@Jmboyd58

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

@ItsAndyRyan

Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.

@squirrel74wkgn

Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.

@WheelTod

*Calling from the bakery

Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”

Her: “Surprise me!”

Me: “Last summer I got drunk, and had sex with your mother”

@longwall26

haha just plucked a shoulder hair so long it could only have been written by George R.R. Martin, who is widely known for abjuring brevity in

@ShutUpThatsWho

[NASA press conf]
“good news: we found a cat on Mars”
REPORTER: & the bad news?
“[recalls Curiosity rover running it over] uh it’s sleeping”

@Mom_Overboard

[during sex]

Him: punish me, baby

me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*

Him: wait, stop

me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you

Him: *dies*

@wx388

Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot

@ramblinma

*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*

*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*