Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: Roses are red, violets are blue…
Them: I’m going to stop you there man. Imma assume this is your first rap battle?
Are you ok, human???
boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean
[At gym]
*steps onto treadmill*
Fitbit: Whoa, girl, you sure about this?
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
Me: I heard Rihanna got food poisoning
Brain: Stop
M: It was
B: No
M: Salmonella ella ella ey ey
B: This is why I can’t do math in your head
[blind date]
HER: I’ve been reading up on Plato
ME {trying to impress her}: I know from experience you shouldn’t eat it
My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
men are simple creatures
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?
Seems kinda suspicious
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]