Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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I bought three dozen eggs at the grocery store and an American Express black card just showed up at my house
break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
me: how often should I water it?
florist: you’ll just know
me: I absolutely will not
Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
google just released their AI and all I’m going to say is that ur jobs are safe
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
“This one’s cute.” – me picking out a watermelon.
I have no idea what I’m doing.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons & a big check.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
Dating is like a 2-day-old box of chocolates.
The good ones are already taken.
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”