Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
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Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
“Forever” is just a romantic word for “until we get bored or one of us dies”
Retweet this with your elbow. (No cheating!)
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
[gf takes pregnancy test, starts crying]
“It’s negative”
Lemme see it
[reads] ‘Not prego. Just fat. And ugly’
Wow that’s really negative
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
who did the taste test?
ibopfufen
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
No sense buying a memory foam mattress if you’re just going to toss and turn all night, it’ll be confused.
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight,
Begging for my cat’s attention
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
*sees monster truck
*waves torch at it and chases it with a pitchfork
A customer told me they were never coming back….
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
I thought about getting silk sheets to seem sexy, but then I realized nobody would be turned on by me falling out of bed 6 times a night.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Thanks to a fan for this one!
If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?