@david8hughes

Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.

You Might Also Like

@haikuplatypus

Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:

@bourgeoisalien

PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-

TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now

@Tmoney68

Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.

@TenaciousGrace_

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

@sixfootcandy

Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.

@lincnotfound

8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*

8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*

9:27am: *takes a shower*

9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*

9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*

@TheAndrewNadeau

Wife: I’m leaving you.

Me: Us.

Wife:

Me: You’re leaving us.

Wife:

Me: Also, why?

Wife: *Sigh*

Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

@ComedyPosts

Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.

Food: Are you sure.

Me: No.

@dadofbieber

Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I
do?.