Hour 6 without sex:
(oh, you mean with someone else?)
Year 8 without sex:
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
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PRESIDENT OBAMA: I pardon this turkey-
TURKEY: Nope. I’m ready. 2016 was a shit show. Kill me now
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
Welcome to middle age.
Don’t bother looking at the weather forecast; your joints will let you know when it’s going to rain.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: You’re leaving us.
Me: Also, why?
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Daughter 1: Dad, I’m lesbian. Daughter 2: Me too
dad. Dad: Doesn’t anyone like guys here? Son: I