Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
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HER: What kind of music do you like?
ME: Hm. Imagine dragons.
HER: Okay.
ME: Cool. Now imagine them playing banjos with their claws.
Crocodile towels ☺ @funTweeters @fun_tweets
A guy on a scooter just yelled at me for being on my phone at a red light so I yelled at him for being on a scooter
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.
Me: I’m on social media because I want attention.
Scammers: Hi!
Me: Not like that.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
My ATM password is four digits and my Twitter password is a complicated one because I wouldn’t want anyone to log in and post embarrassing tweets.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
A moment of silence please for the bottle of wine I just dropped.
It was a tragic accident.
Gone too soon.
I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:
What food is rotting in the office kitchen?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.