INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
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Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
What do you get if you cross a monkey with an ape, and train it to always come back to you. A BABOOMERANGUTAN.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
Brought flowers home to wife.
Her: “I suppose I need to spread my legs now?”
Me: “Don’t we have a vase?”
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
I never believed dad-senses were a real thing until I had kids but now I can smell weather and hear people changing the thermostat.
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
my kid: hold my cheerios
my kid: *drops cheerios*
I’ll accept the consequences but in my defense, it was a double dare..
Judge: well in that case, I triple dog dare you 60 days in jail.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.