“What’d you do this weekend?”
I was shooting craps.
“Oh you went to a casino?”
*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.
Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.
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Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
*Runs 6 miles*
*Adds Kenyan to resume*
Hi. Yes I’d like one new body please.
My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.
On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said
“looks cute, might delete later”
*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*
Me: You there! What year is it?
Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-
Me: I’m from the future, yes
Tupac: To deliver a message!
Me: I’m just going to live here
Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though