[child gets stuck in claw machine]
Me: [calls husband] “Hi honey, you’re not going to believe this, but I found us a babysitter for this evening.”
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Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Me: Can I get a sick note?
Doctor: Here u go.
Me:
Note: *coughs*
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
Pick a card, any card. No, not that one. Not that one, either.
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
[ going out ]
wife: you’re wearing that?
me: i guess not
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”