@hoverbird

Everybody thinks “The Social Network” is the best movie about forming a new startup, but they are wrong. The best movie is “Ghostbusters”.

You Might Also Like

@QwertyJones3

“What’d you do this weekend?”

I was shooting craps.

“Oh you went to a casino?”

*flashback to blasting dog turds with shotgun* Um, yeah.

@WitchyDruss

Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.

@Book_Krazy

Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.

Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?

Him: Fishing

@dumbbeezie

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

@carlyken

As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.

@NewDadNotes

My daughter snuck some snacks into her bed last night and got me in trouble when Mama found them. Now I have to search her every night for bed snacks like some kind of Toddler TSA Agent.

@CGSuperJordan

On the 5th day god created the Platypus, he then said

“looks cute, might delete later”

@SvnSxty

*emerging naked from a ball of lightning*

Me: You there! What year is it?

Tupac: It’s 1996 -are you-

Me: I’m from the future, yes

Tupac: To deliver a message!

Me: No

Tupac:

Me: I’m just going to live here

Tupac:

Me: You should uh… take a cruise or something though