Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.

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me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2


Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok


*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*


So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.

Unrelated: my wife is leaving me


I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.


Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.


If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems


My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.


To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.


My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.