@SuperApple80

Everybody thinks they want to sleep with an older women until we ask you to sit up straight and keep your elbows off the table.

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@notviking

me: i love cars

date: oh cool! i love cars too

me: [waving for check] i don’t think i can be with someone that prefers cars 2

@ebrawley

Hello, I’m waiter, I’ll be your Walter tonight. Wait, the other way around. Sorry, first day. Care for a glass of Walter? Ooh boy ok

@xLiserx

*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*

@hermanntrude

So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.

Unrelated: my wife is leaving me

@ariscott

I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.

@BDGarp

Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.

@BoogTweets

If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems

@MaryJustice86

My IUD provides me with 99% birth control effectiveness, but my husband’s dirty socks on the floor comes in at an impressive 100%.

@JohnLyonTweets

To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.

@LaurelPlane

My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.