FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
You Might Also Like
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Googled how to seduce a guy and Google replied – girl if you have to ask it ain’t gonna happen.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
if we know your religion, stance on gun control & how many kids you have just by looking at your car, you have way too many bumper stickers
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
A young Lil’ Wayne sits alone typing lyrics into Word 97 when a cartoon paperclip suddenly appears on-screen.
[Did you mean “digger”?]
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
Every Scooby Doo episode would literally be 2 minutes long if the gang went to the mask store 1st & asked a few questions.
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
Me: I build new bridges with the bones of my enemies.
Him: Please speak directly into the microphone.
Me: Not guilty, your Honor.
“Let me slip into something more comfortable”, I say with a wink then come back in twice as much clothing as before
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Therapist: tell me your dreams
Me: cheese
Therapist: no your weird dreams
Me: still cheese
Therapist: ok, your sexy dreams
Me: kinky cheese?