If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
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JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this.
*stings person*
FRIEND: That wasn’t dis…
JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
I haven’t gotten my blood pressure checked in probably like 3 years, but I wear sunscreen every day because healthy living is about balance.
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
Packing my daughter’s prom kit…lip gloss, stun gun, pepper spray, switchblade, and I’ve uploaded all 5 seasons of Teen Mom to her iPhone.
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Stranger adds me to facebook
*has a panic attack*Creepy as hell stranger follows on twitter
*does victory dance*
Who called it a witches’ coven and not a hex trafficking ring?
#HighSchoolTaughtMe how to solve any math word problem
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
If someone asks if I have time to talk about Jesus I tell them yes but they have to give me an equal amount of time to talk about Ducktales.
What we need is more companies making hot sauce. I need 900 more ways to taste a thing that tastes exactly like all the other ones.
Permission to use your hammer, your honor
It’s a gavel
Permission to use your gavel
Denied
*looks longingly at pile of walnuts & sighs*
Doctor in lab coat peers into microscope. “Good Lord!” he says. “His burrito levels are off the charts!” – from my autopsy
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
3: I DON’T NEED YOU!!
Me: *already booking 1 ticket to the Bahamas*
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.