Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
You Might Also Like
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
*shoots self in the foot and screams in agony for 20 seconds*
*hits ‘stop recording’ on outgoing voicemail message*
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
[dating game]
GIRL: contestant #1 tell me how u would woo me
ME: woo like in duck tales woo woo or a different type of woo?
G: contestant #2
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
a baby will be picky about food but gladly eat an airplane.
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
My wife sent me an image of herself which really enticed me into coming home from work early.
It was a picture of her at the airport.
(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
[on the phone]
Me: *whispers* I think my CW knows I’m high.
CW: You know you’re talking to a banana right?
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda