@gvicks

Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……

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@ShesAllNat

My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:

1) Me
2) My Best Friend

@anniealone23

Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.

@Shwetangles

Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.

@lloydrang

Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.

@OldSpice

Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.

@david8hughes

[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”

@MacMcCannTX

i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years