My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
2) My Best Friend
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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Sometimes I walk around my apartment naked with the windows open. Just in case my neighbors need a good cry.
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Everyone needs a backup man.
My husband: plan. The word is plan
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
ME: i have a separate stomach for dessert haha
Why is it that “fire sauce” isn’t made with any real fire? Seems like false advertising.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
i absolutely refuse to drink any tap water till it’s gone though my brita filter that i haven’t changed in 5 years