Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
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Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
My dog eats his puke and dirty tissues… but I point him to a mushroom I dropped and he gives me the “what is this shit” look.
I’m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Saw a store that has a sign that reads, “We treat you like family!”
Yup, NOT going in there.
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
Can’t. Doing hot girl shit.
*decapitates lemon gummy bears with glistening incisors
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Is your girlfriend wife material? I’m building a giant wife.
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more