EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

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Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.


Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.


A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away


Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.


MEDIC: “Put pressure on the wound!”
ME: “Hey, wound! All the cool kids are drinking and you should too!”


Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.


[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”


1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.


Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.


INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]