@TheAndrewNadeau

EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.

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@mommajessiec

Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.

Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.

@calvinstowell

Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.

@SouthernStylin1

A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away

A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away

@ThisOneSayz

Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.

Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.

@rolldiggity

MEDIC: “Put pressure on the wound!”
ME: “Hey, wound! All the cool kids are drinking and you should too!”

@DearAuntAbby

Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.

@QwertyJones3

[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.

“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”

@rolldiggity

1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping.
2. Put them in coworker’s drawer.
3. “WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!”

@marknorm

Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.

@jwoodham

INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
M. NIGHT SHYAMALAN: [Removes mask to reveal that he was actually the interviewer the whole time]