everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

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I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it


20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris


Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.


I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.

-inventor of powerwalking


Told my kid not to touch the floor of the bathroom, so he licked the doorknob instead. The dumb is strong in this one.


I practiced cursive for years in elementary school & my electronic bank signature still looks like it was signed by a drunk monkey.


I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.


Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.


*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*


I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad