everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
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HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
I’m not one to bet, but I’d put $50 on the fact that the waffle was probably created when someone accidentally stepped on a pancake.
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
I can’t get over the fact that the word “gullible” upside-down looks like a cat.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
if I was a zebra and I carried a wallet in my mouth I’m guessing a lot of people would assume it didn’t belong to me and that sucks
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.