Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
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I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
The only double penetrating I’ll ever do is eating the double stuff Oreo I just dropped into my coffee.
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Me [proudly]: This is my son. He’s 10, a fine artist & great at math
Nurse: That’s a garbage can & your morphine drip is still attached
Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
“To keep their nuts dry.”
HAHAHAHA!
(Please don’t leave me. I was dropped on my head as a baby.)
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Friend: Have you seen a cockatoo?
Me: I’ve seen more than two.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Siri: Retweet me.
Me: Why does my phone keep changing campus to Camus?
Phone: There is no higher purpose in life.
Me: You could at least stop misspelling words.
P: *long drag on cigarette* There is no meaning. Duck yoor speeling.
Me: Is that a beret?
P: Oui.
Why, yes, I am dressed for the weather.
I am wearing a house.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.
When exactly does the strong part kick in?
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]