“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.

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‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’


Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.


We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.


*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*


Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does


People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work


I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.


From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,


GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!


“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.