@filmbizpro

“Everyday I’m shoveling” – Canadians Theme Song.

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@pauleggleston

‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’

@jellybnbonanza

Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.

@IamJackBoot

We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

@PoodleSnarf

*Last week*
Me: Man I wish COVID 19 wasn’t trending anymore

*Monkey’s paw finger curls up*

@misfarber

Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?

Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does

@lmwortho

People who tell you to get your kids to help don’t understand how kids work

@tastefactory

I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.

@LeahPeah4

From now on non fiction and fiction books shall be referred to as Fo Reals and Not Fo Reals. Pls pass along,

@KalvinMacleod

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

@PinkCamoTO

“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.