Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
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They call it a Caesar salad because it’s as bad for your health as receiving 23 separate stab wounds.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
If I get suspended again, I’m just making a LinkedIn account.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
It’s amazing how many errands I’m willing to run when family is in town. No, no you relax. I’ll go.
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
Clue is a wonderful game that teaches children about murder.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
Do you have any motivational books?
Yeah, they’re in the back.
(long pause) Do you have any that are closer?
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning