Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
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Ran a bath, checked Twitter, flooded Europe.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
If loss of appetite is a symptom, I think most of us are safe.
those birds must be on payroll
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
windows 8: i got some updates
me: cool
windows: i have to restart
me: okay not now
windows: im going to
me: please dont
windows: lol
Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
please stop describing the Holy Infant Baby Jesus as “tender and mild.” that’s how you describe a hot wing.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Me: I’ll take $50 bucks on pump 1 please
Bartender: get your mouth off the keg sir
it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”
My son thinks declaring “yuck” to every meal I prepare can break me, but he doesn’t realize academic life has hardened me from rejection. So, joke’s on him.
Usain Bolt doesn’t know shit bout speed compared to a parent putting their hand over their kids mouth when they see someone w/ an eye patch.
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Cats are about as useful as a football bat.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
Irony walks into a bar the same time as a Coincidence. The bartender asks what they want? “Not to be confused with each other.”