[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
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me the second it drops below 70 degrees
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
everyone’s a critic
When someone asks me how my day is, I like to say “Still kinda pissed about Hiroshima,” & then start swearing in Japanese.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Want to piss your girlfriend off?
Text her “He’s busy.” and turn off your phone.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
First they came for the people who talk just for the sake of talking, and I said Please, take my coworker.
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.