Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
Coronavirus: LOL
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IVE NEVER SEEN JERRY THIS MAD HFCMGDHKUDGKGXH
and now we wait
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
[job interview]
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: that’s a trick question there is no c in any of those words
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
The first rule of Oedipus Club: mum’s the word.
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
My grandpa purposefully takes his hearing aids out so he can’t hear my kids. I don’t blame him. I’m jealous of him.
Don’t flatter yourself, any type of milkshake brings me to the yard.
i wonder if jesus thinks about me when he’s on the toilet or if it’s a one way street
Is your refrigerator running?
Because I might vote for it.
Spider-Man
Spider-Man
Does whatever a spider can
Spins a web
Any size
Catches thieves
Eats those guys
Hey wait
Don’t do that Spider-Man
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
The global energy crisis could be solved if only we could harness the power of my wife slamming my car door.
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
Me, at the edge of a cliff: HEEEEEEELP
My therapist:” EnjOy the mOment”
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Child protective services?
Who’s protecting the parents Huh?
WHO’S PROTECTING THE PARENTS?