Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
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I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
*plot gets twisted.
If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.
That’s probably where I’m selling it at.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!