@ortski83

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

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@UncleDuke1969

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

@SladeWentworth

I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.

@Jamberee13

It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display

@mattytalks

(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it

@zachreinert03

I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him

@JediGigi

Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?

@ThaJawn

*arrives at funeral

*whispers to widow

Where should I park my food truck?