People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw orgies.
Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!
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*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display
(Hot babe to me) your brooding drives me wild, what’s going on inside your head
(Me, thinking about a panini) I don’t want to talk about it
I’m really glad they named a park bench after my uncle in memorial. It fits, he was great at having homeless ppl sleep on top of him
Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?
*arrives at funeral
*whispers to widow
Where should I park my food truck?
What I lack in imagination I make up for in….stuff.