Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

You Might Also Like


Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.


I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.


-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.


I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.


You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.


PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*


If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.


I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.


Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!