@ortski83

Everyone: 2020 is gonna be my year!

Coronavirus: LOL

You Might Also Like

@Quartzjixler

Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.

@patnspankme

I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.

@bakedbrotatoes

-This is my son Michelangelo.
-Oh, like the artist.
-Um no like the Ninja Turtle.

@Lhlodder

I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.

@msevilroyslade

You can’t hurt me. You’re not a ‘closed’ sign on a pizzeria door.

@DrDogMD

PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc

DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*

@GibJimson

If you ever get drugged by someone and they steal an organ, just check Craigslist.

That’s probably where I’m selling it at.

@IamEveryDayPpl

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

@DrakeJoshQuotez

Josh: [after he spills root beer on the TV and ruins it] I drink root beer. You don’t see me explodin’!