@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

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@drinksmcgee

*girl at the end of the bar winks at me

*I wink back

*she pouts at me

*I pout back

*she drools

Waitress: Call 911! She’s had a stroke!

@thedad

My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.

@Rollinintheseat

*Comments on Facebook picture*

“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”

@david8hughes

[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]

@CallmeMrBigs

Bill Gates is giving 100k to help develop a better & safer condom. I don’t care how good it is, im not wearing a condom that says Microsoft.

@RidiculousSheri

My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.

@psybermonkey

Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace

Me: *writing notes* international bees only

@topaz006

*drives up to liquor store door, honks horn
*wine jumps off shelf, hops into my car
*speeds off

@brennadine

“How was the beach? You hang ten or what?”
No but I stabbed a couple because they kept asking stupid questions about my vacation

@Reverend_Scott

me: I’d like to buy that giraffe

zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir

me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?

Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays