Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
I texted my wife “Hey” and she texted back “It’s on the dresser.”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Me: “Get me a can of Stella from the fridge please sweetheart”
10: “Do you give girls names to all of your beers Daddy?”
Me: “Stop asking silly questions Heineken.”
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
[Half of my body is already in the anaconda]
“Is this a date? This feels like a date.”
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[God creating mosquitoes]
“I wonder how I could get everyone to spray chemicals on themselves and also slap their own faces.”
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
I just left a pregnancy test box in my brother’s bathroom to mess with him and his new girlfriend.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing