@HallpassCanada

Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

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@MarfSalvador

[My band playing on stage]

New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?

New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died

@TheWidowmakerX

My boyfriend insists he told me something a few days ago and I know he didn’t.

*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*
*Don’t say it*

*For the love of God- don’t say it*

Must have been your other girlfriend

@WhaJoTalkinBout

usher: bride or groom

me: just a guest

usher: no which are you here for

me: neither I’m married

@TattleTSister

I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?

@TheTweetOfGod

Attention crazy man on the subway: this is God. Please start telling everyone else in the car what I’m saying to you.

@Cheeseboy22

Just found a hilarious message in a bottle on the beach. I decided it needed to be RT’d, so I threw it back in.

@Fred_Delicious

Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”

@sofarrsogud

Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…

It’s basically shitty Christmas.

@IvoryGazelle

A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.

@my_minivan_life

Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.