Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.

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Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.


I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.


This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy


Peoples whose sliding closet doors never come off their tracks, what do you do with the rest of your dark magic?


It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.


Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you


Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”


While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.


I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .