Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
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Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Welcome to adulthood.
You get mad when they rearrange your grocery store now.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
馃檮馃槒馃槀馃ぃ
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It鈥檚 not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
me: yay, i鈥檓 getting to bed on time!
my brain: let鈥檚 obsess over how you鈥檒l protect your children if you鈥檙e at the beach during a tsunami
Very good news from my accountant
The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
The kindergarten people are so short
-my kid, after one day of being a first grader
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
I buy seedless grapes because let鈥檚 leave the grape growing to the vineyards.