me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.
Which is absurd.
Plus, they’re ugly.
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Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?
The grass was greener on the other side, so we smoked it.
My home state just announced a new drug awareness campaign.
Here it is.
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.
I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.
*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.
*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.
I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.