@NervousJr

Everyone around me keeps telling me I’m mean.

Which is absurd.

Plus, they’re ugly.

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@drankturpentine

me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*

guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you

@brynnester

[First Date]
Her: *shyly* I like a man with a big dong
Me: *rings the largest of my musical bells* How was that?

@ClickBaite

I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”

@theshantilly

*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back

@Bob_Janke

If you ever feel silly for being on Twitter just remember there are people on national television asking “ghosts” questions.

@onelongbender

I don’t think I get enough credit in my family for making my siblings look successful.

@Bluestmoon_

*Deletes 34 unheard voicemail messages from phone.

*Adds “extremely organized” to resume.

@MrAaronAbrams

I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.