@StainsQueen

Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family

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@WoodyLuvsCoffee

STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.

@LizHackett

Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

@MNateShyamalan

the first snowflake of winter: *falls*

my body: WE DEMAND SOUP

@Heaterhotusus

Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.

-me, reading the Pringles can.

@P0tterhead_394

My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.

@awhalefact

sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should

@qwertying

Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.

@_Mo_lee_

Daughter: You’re invading my personal space

Mom: You came out of my personal space

@trevso_electric

Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.