STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.
the first snowflake of winter: *falls*
my body: ＷＥ ＤＥＭＡＮＤ ＳＯＵＰ
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
My favorite pickup line is when a guy just slides an order of mozzarella sticks towards me.
sometimes killer whales hunt moose, and if that doesn’t scare and confuse you, it probably should
Ladies, if a man says he will fix it, he will. There’s no need to remind him every 6 months about it.
Daughter: You’re invading my personal space
Mom: You came out of my personal space
When this quarantine is over, let’s not tell some people.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.