Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
“I have a PhD, I’m a professor, and yet I could be making more just teaching elementary school! It’s not fair!”
my brother in christ have you ever been the only adult in a room of 28 first-graders
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
ME: I’m being haunted by my Grandma.
GRANDMA: For the last time, I’m not dead! You drove me here.
ME: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
PARANORMAL INVESTIGATOR: *frightened* I think I can even see her!!!
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
Instead of cursing and swearing when someone cuts me off in traffic, I just yell lyrics from Spice Girl songs out the window
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
Me: “Seems bad that King Charles is ill, his wife is unpopular, and his heir is up to some problematic shit”
2020’s guy: “yeah”
1680’s guy: “yeah”
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
(Speaking to 7 year old)
Lying is wrong. Now go tell them you’re 6 so we can board the flight early.
her: go on, thrust your fist in deep enough to make the eyes spin
me: I never realised ventriloquism school would be so hard
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
Kid: How did you meet daddy?
Me: Well, it all started with a friendly game of spin the bottle at the family reunion…