Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
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i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
To be fair to Justin Bieber if I had more than $75 I would act the way he does
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
– Lift doors shutting as someone approaches
– “Tickets please”
– “It’s 3 for 2 if you want to go get another one”
– Doorbells
I drove past the prison and saw a small man climbing down a wall.
I thought, well that’s a little condescending.
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
It’s not that I don’t like the roomba, its just that my expectations were set unreasonably high from watching the Jetsons.
*calls bullshit
Bullshit: Who gave you my number.
I resolve to stop wasting time on Twitter in 2̵0̵1̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵3̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵4̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵5̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵6̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵7̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵8̵ ̵2̵0̵1̵9̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵0̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵1̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵2̵ ̵2̵0̵2̵3̵ 2024
I’ve had the same phone for over three years, so I know a thing or two about commitment and frustration.
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.
I told my friends I found my Lasik surgeon on Yelp and they were horrified. Or interested, I’m not sure, I can’t make out faces so well.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I saw a lawn sign that just said “DOGS 2020” and I would like to change my vote please.
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies