Everyone at my funeral gets a stun gun. The last person standing gets all my stuff.
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*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Fool me once shame on you.
Fool me twice I’m buying a potato gun.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
Me: I need you to leave the house for the next 3-4 days
Hubs: What?! Why?
Me: It may or may not have to do with the amount of Amazon boxes that we will be receiving very soon
Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.
The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
when you do a big stretch & hear a crackling noise, that’s ur bones clapping because you did a good job
Friendly but loud reminder to NOT FEED STALE DUCKS TO BREAD k
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
brain: wake up
me: it’s 1:15 am
brain: pick up your phone
me: fine just for a minute
brain: lmao ok
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
My stages of drunk:
1) “Everybody, watch this!”
2) Prison
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I’m not lazy
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.