Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin
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Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
11YR OLD: dad, are we poor?
ME: we are rich in love…we are rich in laughter
11: so we’re poor
M: yes
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
Hate when I zone out while someone’s talking to me and they have the nerve to ask me a question like I’m in 5th grade and they’re a teacher.
I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
“That’s herpes”
-my response anytime someone asks me to look at their rash.
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
My 5 year old asked for a lava lamp and now I’m checking his room for drugs
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
Apparently telling the cop during my sobriety test, it’s not how many times you fall, but how many times you get up was not the best answer.
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
[field sobriety test]
cop: stand with one foot off the ground and count 1001, 1002, and so on until I say stop
flamingo: oh hell yeah
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.