@mynameisntdave

Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

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@BackrowSeats

This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.

@Kyle_Lippert

Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”

@AimeeHelene1

(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*

@MacMcCannTX

oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out

@KattsDogma

Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.

@AmericanGent69

Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.

@SallingsSam

For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.

@MasterOfFury

“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.

@Book_Krazy

Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!

“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”