Everyone at this whistling convention looks extremely suspicious.

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This woman at the bar said “move, you’re blocking the door” & I’m like strange pickup line but sure here’s my number.


Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”


(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!

*all the adults start screaming*


oh yeah? Well caterpillars also stay in bed for a month at a time and look how they turn out


Just like my overly critical mother, every time I see children I want to belittle again.


Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.


For every selfie you take, the universe throws another rock at our planet.


“Where was you at?”

I was probably not skipping English class.


Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma

Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!