Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I’m being attacked 😭
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend
me, modern and woke: okay great
my daughter: he’s a bee
me: *clenching my jaw* okay great
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Me at 15: I can’t wait to make my own money and buy whatever I want
Me now: *rinses off a sliced cheese that fell on the floor*
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
My daughter gave me a coupon book for Mother’s Day and told me to pick one, so I chose the clean your room coupon. She immediately began crying because I was supposed to choose the free hug instead.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
*Gandalf rollerblades into the club*
“YO DJ PLAY SOME DIRTY DUBSTE–
*slips on a drink & lands flat on face* “SCRAP THAT CALL AN AMBULANCE
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
amazon: your order has been placed
me: great thanks
amazon: your order is being prepared
me: cool
amazon: your order is being put in the truck
me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step
amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.