Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Everyone complains about immigration until they’re searching the city for a decent taco.
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By law, all burglar alarms are fitted with projectors so burglars are distracted by dancing Tupac holograms until police arrive.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Found my son and his GF naked in his room, Sex-ED is so advanced. Now, they also give homework!
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
The rain is pounding so hard I’m kind of jealous.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Took me three hours to drive home through the snow, but it was worth it because when I got home, my family totally ignored me.