“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
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For someone who said “Correct me if I’m wrong…” you seemed genuinely surprised and upset when I did.
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
Me [to my friends]: No one ever invites Gary out because he always has some strange contraption.
*Gary pole vaults past us*
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
Harsh but fair
“What’s your greatest strength?”
Shadow puppetry
“Seriously?”
[interviewer presses intercom button] “Pat, please bring a flashlight in here”
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Trying to convince my wife I said “adieu,” instead of “I do,” at our wedding, but she’s not buying it.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Those who still fit in their wedding dresses years later haven’t been making enough effort eating.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
Me: *pretending to smoke a hotdog like a cigar
Passport photographer: No
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
find these 10 emoji for no good reason
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Shoutout to everyone who remembers the days before satnavs, when you’d go to visit someone on the outskirts of London and 4 hours later you’d pass Big Ben for the 2nd time while screaming
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
You must be radiating feminine mystique because every man in the cafe is looking at you, and then you realize there’s a TV over your head.
Yup
[funeral for human statue street performer] *throws dollar into casket just in case*
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf