everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
You Might Also Like
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
I’ve been drinking.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
😅😅😅
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
If my Fitbit really wanted me to be more active it would tell me there’s food at my door.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
what’s the deal with “airplane food?” newsflash, jerry: it’s called jet fuel.
I have this friend who doesn’t post anything on social media. He just lives his life.
I said, “how am I supposed to know what you’re up to?” he said, “ask me”
What a weirdo.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
The most important lesson I learned from watching The Muppet Show is when cooking meth always test your product on the drummer of the band
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
Happy 3rd birthday to the yogurt in my refrigerator
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.