Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
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Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Him:Wow you came back from your run in record time…
Me:It’s amazing how fast you can go if you imagine your mother is chasing you…
if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I’m screwed.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
Me: What music you into?
Date: I love hip hop
Me: Yeah me too
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: Soup Dogg is my cousin
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”