Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
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Don’t let Hollywood fool you. I was in an orphanage for 13 yrs and we only broke into a song & choreographed dance twice
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
I think my brother and I just solved The Duh Vinci Code
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
So sad that kids today spend so much time online. When we were kids we were always outside throwing rocks at one another, shoplifting at the mall, trying drugs… one time I drank gasoline.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
[God inventing snakes]
What about a scarf that could kill you?
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
your honor my client chooses dare
Recipes in your 40s should be like, the first thing you’re going to want to do with the frozen bag of peas is ice your knees.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
Him: Are you eating cake for breakfast again?
Me: [mouth full] It’s got eggs in it.
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
tried adderrall to help my productivity but now I’m just intensely aware of all the things I should be doing
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.