EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

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TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible


THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler


What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?


Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.


Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.


Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.


*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?


My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.


Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.


*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward