@rad_milk

EVERYONE ELSE: i am terrified of the state of democracy in our nation
ME: digimon is short for digital monsters

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@flashember

TRANSLATORS: we’re done, sire. 7 years. Every last word painstakingly translated into English.

KING JAMES I: call it the King James Bible

@ArfMeasures

THERAPIST: What do u wish for?

WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together

ME: A penguin butler

@Scott_A_Gilmore

What manner of evil contract with the devil must I enter into so I can get eye drops INTO my eyes?

@realHamOnWry

Worst thing about being born on April Fools Day is that nobody takes you seriously. Even my parents were in denial for the first 47 years.

@joshgondelman

Someone wished me a Happy Independence Day and I told him this is America, and we say Merry Christmas here, buddy.

@natedog2049

Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.

@ThaJawn

*sees neighbors bringing in KFC

*knocks on door

Have you seen my dog she got out *teary eyed

Neighbor: Aw. No, but if there’s-

Some KFC?

@JJSummertime

My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.

@AndyAsAdjective

Uncle Frank’s will stipulates he be cremated & his ashes added to the vegetable water sprayers at the local grocery store.
He will be mist.

@NicestHippo

*points to refrigerator*
That makes things cold
*points to stove*
That makes things hot
*points to self*
That makes things awkward