Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
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Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
my dog: chomp, chomp
me: hey what’s in your mouth
my dog: CHOMPCHOMPCHOMPCHOM
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
HELLO, 911? I’M FALLING DOWN AN ELEVATOR SHAFT. YES, RIGHT NOW. VERY SLOWLY, THAT’S HOW. HOLD ON, SOMEONE JOINED. WHOA, NOW WE’RE FALLING UP
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
Banking tips
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
I bet squirrels walk at a leisurely pace when no one is looking.
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
That’s easy for you to say
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
Yesterday was the shortest day of the year until I read your blog.
Fun Fact: Every hour of daylight savings is kept in a subterranean vault in Colorado. Once every four years, they release them all, and that’s how we get a leap day.