@SirEvisiae

EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.

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@C00LpenNAME

A recent study shows that 90% of all adults have a chronic or even fatal disease

The other 10% don’t use Web MD

@darinlovesbacon

I’m not one to give parenting advice, but kids are a lot less likely to fight you on eating dinner if you don’t give them lunch or breakfast

@BlindChow

I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.

“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.

@MomOfTeen

Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.

@UnFitz

“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”

@DaddyJew

Every kiss begins with K but so does every kidnapping. That’s how words work people.

@ddsmidt

Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?

Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.

Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.

Me: *death glare*

@lasergirl70

I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.