Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.
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[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
1. Ice *check*
2. Ice *check*
3. Baby *calls 911*– Freezer Inspector –
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Him: What’s another word for pee?
Her: Urinate.
Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.
Sometimes I want to kidnap a few woman for two to three weeks so that their eyebrows can grow without fear
I hate it when a dog starts barking and then every other dog nearby retweets him.
wife: don’t let the kids see you drinking directly from the bottle
me: *putting down the ketchup* ok
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.