Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

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(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)


UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.


Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.


Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.


First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem


It’s almost 2018 and laser eye surgery still doesn’t mean what I want it to


“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”


Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?