@crayolaawonderr

Everyone gets ONE famous scientologist they’re allowed to pretend isn’t really a scientologist in order to fully and purely enjoy their work.

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@VaguelyFunnyDan

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

@Rebecca8672

UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.

@JohnLyonTweets

Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.

@DumbConfessions

Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once.

*pops jean jacket collar*

I got marmalaid.

@Jakexox

First woman on Moon:
-Huston, we have a problem?
What?
-Never mind
What’s the problem?
-Nothing
Please tell us?
-You know what’s the problem

@Itskarleytime

It’s almost 2018 and laser eye surgery still doesn’t mean what I want it to

@bigmacher

“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”

@stephenjmolloy

Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.

Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.

Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?