Everyone giving me crap about wearing these yoga leggings to work…just because I don’t do yoga.
You Might Also Like
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Preparing myself for a post apocalyptic wasteland by learning how to sleep without the TV on
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
“I’d like a nice stiff entendre please.”
– Want me to make it a double?
“I’ll just take it as it comes.”
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
what all these pyramids be scheming about?
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:
Me:
Uber driver:*5 stars*
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
If by “interests” you mean vices, then sure, I have several outside interests.
me logging onto twitter
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.