Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
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Did you know, that just by pretending to pee in the shower, you could meet Home Depot’s Chief of Security.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?
SHERIFF 1: You’ve got updog on your shirt
SHERIFF 2: Not now. I have six holsters labeled A-F and only A, B, C, D, and F have a gun up them.
SHERIFF 1: What’s up holster E?
SHERIFF 2: It’s how you put fabric on couches
I wish catalog models could do one pose with bad posture, looking awkward and self-conscious, so I’d know how the outfit would look on me
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
If you wear a mask during a meeting no one can see you scream but they sure can hear you.
I adopt cats because I can’t have any of my own.
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.
The guy sitting nearest to me on the plane is a wizard. He pulled birthday cake out of his backpack!!! A stingy wizard because he didn’t share, but still…
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Don’t tell me miracles don’t happen, I opened the dryer door and there was nothing inside!
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Me: “I think it’s time for a change. Should I paint the bathroom?”
5yo: “Yes!”
Me: “What colors?”
5yo: “The same!”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.