Everyone has that one vegetable that brings up memories of an ex
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Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
to get your prison name, take your favorite weapon and then murder someone.
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
With a dog, you have a glimpse into parenting. With a cat, you have a glimpse into marriage.
Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
Chinese takeaway – £17
Delivery charge – £1
Realising the idiots have forgot one of your containers – Riceless
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
This video of a hamster riding a mini moped has been on repeat since I seen it lol
I fail to see how his relationship status is of any relevance
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
The world: ok so we are all doing metric and it’s going to work perfectly.
USA: …
World: right?
USA: …
World: RIGHT?
USA: *whispers* I’m really into feet you guys
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
[date]
Me, struggling to pronounce things on the menu: I’ll just have the chicken nouj-
Date: nuggets
This lady here in Walmart has completely given up on her kids for Lent apparently.