@Jason_maybe

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

You Might Also Like

@TheBoydP

Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…

@

a:2:{i:0;a:5:{s:4:”user”;s:6:”kzam92″;s:5:”image”;s:90:”http://a0.twimg.com/profile_images/3330737389/c7a4a78607de111ed90aad11a160d780_bigger.jpeg”;s:6:”id_str”;s:18:”280225987420106753″;s:7:”retweet”;s:2:”35″;s:5:”tweet”;s:61:”All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.”;}s:7:”retweet”;i:0;}

@sarcasm_inc

Batman pushes a batcuffed Joker thru the crowd.
“Look! Hahaha!” yells the Joker.
Batman glances up at the jumbotron.
GODDAMN the kiss cam.

@MikeCanRant

I wait til the mailman comes to send all my emails in front of him while keeping eye contact and whispering “Your end is nigh, letter boy.”

@squirrel74wkgn

*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*

“Where you going?”

@AndrewChamings

I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water

@theshamingofjay

I can’t go to sleep if any of my apps need to be updated, but will drive my car with the check engine light until it explodes

@dxblarssonENG

Riverdance was invented by an Irish family with 7kids but only one toilet.

@ch000ch

i wanna smoke whatever the people who got hype about seeing a bird and a plane before they realized it was superman were smoking