@Jason_maybe

Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.

You Might Also Like

@_knuck_

*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*

“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”

@lisaxy424

HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG

@arcadeseals

[watching the lion king]

me: i’ve never seen this before

wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready

me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen

@ImaFlyontheWall

Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that?
Me: In the front or back of the car?

@joelu72

[writing my first autopsy report]

There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy

@geowizzacist

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

@pilau

Man: You’re killing me

Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material

@LMFaye

The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

@Sarcasticsapien

Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.