*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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HEY JUST BECAUSE YOU HAD A KID DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STOP POSTING PICTURES OF YOUR DOG
[watching the lion king]
me: i’ve never seen this before
wife: oh dear, better get the tissues ready
me: i hardly think i’m going to jack off to a bunch of lions karen
Him:Dude, I went on one of those police ride alongs with my friend..it was awesome! You ever done that?
Me: In the front or back of the car?
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
The fact that there’s a highway to hell and only a stairway to heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Dating in your thirties is fun because you get to tell strangers intimate parts of your past to help them decide that you’re staying single.