Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
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[shootout]
Cop: I said fire a warning shot
Me: I already did.
Cop: you shot him in the face
Me: warning the others that I’m a very good shot
I just need a shovel and a good alibi.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
every. time.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
god: okay the day that is happening now is called today
angel: *writing* ok
god: and the day that just ended is called terday
angel: terday?
god: yes terday
angel: *writing* ok
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
So quick to claim someone on your taxes yet so slow to make them a snack.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
Do dogs think humans are in a constant battle to claim toilets?
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Wife: I’m going to grab some dinner, you want anything?
Me: No thanks, I’m stuffed.
Wife: Ok, I’m going to Taco…
Me: I’ll have 9 tacos.
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
*holding 7 steak knives*
DO I LOOK CRAZY TO YOU
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
This is Jetty. He never wants to hear you complain about his barking again. 13/10