@Mechaniz10

Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

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@rocknthepurple

Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.

@PoodleSnarf

I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed

@FatherWithTwins

Remember: whatever fun game you invent for your kids, you’re going to have to play it 10,000 times

@CornOnTheGoblin

[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck

@3sunzzz

Me: Did you finish the banana bread?

16: yep

Me: Great, because it was actually a healthy zucchini bread.

16: THIS HOUSE IS FULL OF LIES!

@TheBoydP

Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.

(I didn’t say best, I said creative)

@markydoodoo

The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.

@SyrupTishus_01

A slice of pie in the Bahamas is $2.00, in Jamaica it’s $2.50.

These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.

@TheUnrealMattR

Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”