Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

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Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?


Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming


Asterisks are awesome.

*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*


The GYM is my church. I haven’t gone in years but I still give them money.


Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.


FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.


Momma: another monkey fell off the bed what should I do

Doctor: I feel like we’ve been over this already


Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?

Me: You mean like the band?