Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.
Mine is my back scratcher.
You Might Also Like
Alex: This floats your boat.
Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?
Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.
guys i’ve cracked the code
everyone: GLOBAL TEMPERATURES ARE RISING
earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
I do nostril kegels. Girls love strong nostrils.
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh