the opposite of a charles manson is a nicole kidman
Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.
Mine is my back scratcher.
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Remember the good old days when we used to get nervous and not deliriously happy when our kids were playing quietly in another room?
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
Asterisks are awesome.
*tosses a midget dressed in sexy maid outfit off the Eiffel Tower with parachute made of pancakes*
The GYM is my church. I haven’t gone in years but I still give them money.
Other mom: We only eat organic, gluten free foods.
This mom: My toddler ate the lint off the rug so now I don’t have to vacuum today.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
Momma: another monkey fell off the bed what should I do
Doctor: I feel like we’ve been over this already
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?