Everyone has their favorite bedroom toys that make them feel good.

Mine is my back scratcher.

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Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.



Alex: This floats your boat.

Me [buzzing in]: What is buoyancy?

Alex: I’m sorry. The answer we were looking for is, Whatever.



earth: *sticks one foot out from under the covers*


Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.

Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.


Me: [turns off light] goodnight.

The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?


I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.


WIFE: He won’t stop pretending he’s Larry King.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *turns to camera* We’ll hear more of Karen’s lies. Up next.


Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!

Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you

Me: He’s murdered 7 people


PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours

Sloth: Uh oh