Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
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Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
My Boss: Are you with me so far?
Me *nodding* : Yes.
*Narrator: He had not, in fact, been with his Boss for some time.
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
I keep a list of all the people who get on my nerves so I know who’s getting the glittery Christmas cards.
When I said “it’s so big” I was referring to my disappointment
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
To its credit, only like 8% of doing the Macarena involves heiling Hitler.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
If I try to film something outside, every person that owns a leaf blower within 10 miles is alerted via text.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”