Everyone: I want to be cremated and my ashes sprinkled into the ocean under the moon while baby turtles hatch and race towards the water while “Circle of Life” plays.
Me: Put me in some aerosol cans and sell me as dry shampoo.
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They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Carp we hit an iceberg!
What am I herring? This scampi true!
Whale I squid you not
Oh cod I can’t die
Waterboat me? You’re so shellfishFin
me: I ONLY GOT 3 HOURS OF SLEEP LAST NIGHT AND I FEEL GREAT MY BODY HAS FINALLY LEARNED TO EFFECTIVELY AND EFFICIENTLY USE ENERGY
me, 4 minutes later: o god i am dying
The phrase “don’t take this the wrong way” has zero % success rate
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
*barber hands me the mirror to check the back*
“Looks good!” I lie, after a few seconds of being unable to get the mirror to angle properly
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
“I hope to find you well.”
I’m sure I had one dug somewhere on my vast estate.
April 1st is the class clown of days.
I’m sorry, can you repeat that? I was imagining how you would look as a lamp shade.
If anyone wants to know how WWIII will actually start…. 🤣
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
It never fails every time my house is a disaster my Mother-in-Law will stop by just because she “saw my car in the driveway.”
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
<- sleeps well with others
Not to brag but I can chop an onion without crying
And I can cry without chopping an onion
Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
wow, another wooden ball. would it kill avocado makers to put a different toy in there.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
[Watching 101 Dalmatians with a cute girl]
Hold up, hold up. Pause it, please. Thanks. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine,